1. Emotional Dog
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of movie, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed his head off. This happened all the way through the movie.
After the movie had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. It’s remarkable!” “Yeah, it is,” said the man. “He hated the book.”
2. Computer Using Parrot
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars”.
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks. The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told “That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.”
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told “That one costs 2,000 dollars.”
Needless to say this begs the question “What can IT do?”
To which the owner replies “To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!”
3. Seeing Eye Dog
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.” The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
4. Circle Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said–”Well yeah, if that’s what they are–I never heard of circle flies”. So the farmer says–”Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”
5. Talking Dog
One day, down in Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner, Bubba, tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?
The lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars”.
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
6. Rude Parrot
A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon’s outstretched arm and said I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior”.
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued…”May I ask what the chicken did?”
7. Animal Magnetism
Three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach a lovely female poodle first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three would-be suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular chocolate Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny golden retriever and said, “How well can you do.”
“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the golden retriever.
“My, my,” said the poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is a Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the chocolate Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
8. Heroic Pig
A farmer walked into a bar with his pig and ordered a drink. The bartender could not help asking the man why his pig had a peg leg. “Well, you see,” said the farmer, “this is an amazing pig. Why, two years ago, my son was chopping wood in the field when a tree collapsed on him, pinning him to the ground and making breathing difficult. The pig, which was in the area, ran to get assistance and, squealing loudly, led us to my son to rescue him.”
“You’re right, that is an amazing story. But why does your pig have a peg leg?”
This is no ordinary pig,” the farmer continued. “One night while we were sleeping, our barn caught fire and the pig managed to squeeze through a little hole in the wall and circle our house, squealing as loud as it could to wake us up. We were able to save all of the animals.”
“Wow. Incredible. But why does the pig have a peg leg?”
“Wait. Once, our home caught on fire. The pig managed to run to the next house over and wake the neighbors, who were able to save us and help put out the fire.”
“OK. OK. The pig is amazing. But why the peg leg?” the bartender demanded.
“An amazing pig like this. You can’t eat it all at once.”
9. Smart Dog
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
“That must be a very smart dog,” the man commented.
“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
10. Mickey Mantle Goes Hunting
Supposedly this is a story in baseball great Mickey Mantle’s autobiography.
Mantle, with several friends, was out looking for a place to hunt. They pulled into a farmer’s yard, and Mantle got out and went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.
The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?” Mantle took a look, said “sure,” and headed back to the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, Mantle rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. “There,” shouted Billy Martin. “I got the cow!”
11. Give The Cat a Job
While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted. Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out “Hello! I’d like to apply for the job.”
The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying “Oh, I’m sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file.”
The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.
The owner is charmed, but figures she can’t possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. “You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy.”
The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops.
The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn’t going to give him a job.
“Well, you’re an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you’re a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual.”
The cat stares imploringly into the owner’s eyes and says “Woof!”
12. Elephant Memory
A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rather than shoot it to get the trophy he came for, the man very carefully approaches the elephant and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.
The elephant begins to limp away, but then turned and stared at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way.
“I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?” the man muses to himself.
Maybe twenty years later the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it knows him.
The man wonders, “Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?” He decides to get a closer look.
With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant’s face.
The elephant reached down… picked the man up carefully with its trunk… lifts him high in the air… then throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!
Turns out it wasn’t the same elephant.
13. Conniving Canine
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, “Boy, I’m in deep doo doo now.”
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, he slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey? I just can never trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back !!”
14. Cats According To Dave Barry
Cats According To Dave Barry - Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It means: “Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.”) Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners’ wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know.”
15. How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps
1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
2. With right hand, stroke cat’s throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.
5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn’t know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can’t come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.
Well there you have it. My top 15 favorite animal and pet jokes. I hope you smiled or maybe had a laugh or two. Enjoy your day.
